Make Ends Meet

This piece is a satirical imitation of Jonathan Swift’s essay, “A Modest Proposal”, published in 1729.

In times of economic devastation, the population strives, but struggles to save money. We may or may not afford that Big Mac or bus ticket, or even compensate a bit of the brooding, high interest debt. In fact, our sense of hearing is heightened for the fall of that mere penny to the floor. As a well-informed economist, I cannot express the extent of my deepest concerns for the future of our global market, and more importantly, its impact on the welfare of citizens. We must take innovative approaches to resolving this fatal cycle of financial incompetence, which has been a following shadow since the invention of credit in the Roaring Twenties.

Our federal debt increases by one thousand dollars every second. As you read this stage of the proposal, the whole country has already acquired the burden of an additional forty-one thousand dollars of debt. In 2008 alone, outstanding credit card debt skyrocketed to two billion dollars. Let us compare this with some equivalent statistics. A baby is born every two minutes. How do these two facts coincide? With each passing of two minute intervals, each baby is “born with” a debt of one hundred twenty thousand dollars. Even in the womb, a human life is predestined to bear or possibly amend society’s liabilities, while inevitably, personal debt will be accumulated due to postsecondary education, mortgage, or lack of stable employment. Exactly how will we better the future of one child, if not all?

The answer is quite simple: we must overspend. Further back in history, the Anglo-Saxons demonstrated the qualities of exceptional treasurers. By gathering gold, the Vikings initiated a great legacy. They proved that it’s only with money that happiness can be truly actualized, so why not generously use it? In today’s context, the benefits of overspending manifests by six degrees of separation. In its fullest glory, we will easily devour credit cards, to the point where we must commit fraud in order to qualify for another loan. Do you see a remarkable resemblance with the Vikings? As we satisfy our commercial impulses, we will feed the mouths of employees, employers, and even the poor, exploited children halfway across the globe. In short, we will actually be redistributing our wealth!

Many are misled to believe in a dangerous misconception: overspending leads to the fall of our economy. This is a selfish lie that keeps the status quo of the rich. These individuals do not want us to realize that in the end, money is only a matter of the mind. How do we monitor the growth of our investments in the faithful bank? We use a plastic card to punch out significant numbers on flimsy papers. It is the exactly the same process as when we check to see whether the money has left our accounts to pay the bills. More and more artificial intelligence of electronics will completely replace our methods for convenience, and of course, to limit the use of trees and toxins. Nevertheless, if money does embody the value that the government claims, we should not let it collect dust in sealed vaults. Therefore, by buying the items we love with virtually nothing, we do more than our fair share of lending others a hand to get back on their feet.

With confidence, I can proudly say that the proposal has great potential outcomes. Saving is a preposterous idea, since money was made to serve us; we should not break our backs to reverse the roles. The amount of money will always be the same following the law of conservation, even when it seems like an unachievable dream to make ends meets. There is no need for fear when the innocent mailman comes to empty your wallet. He will leave offended and empty handed, because he will hear laughter from your pocket when he expected cries. To say the least, I cannot promote overspending enough for the sake of healthy spirits. I guarantee that there will be less agitation the next time a penny drops.

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